Dear Jorja
by butterflywhisper
Summary: Sara has to say goodbye to the one person she absolutely cannot exist without.


Dearest Jorja,

Soon we will part and so it is with bittersweet sorrow that I write this letter. There are so many things that I want to say to you. So many things that have been left unsaid.

Thank you for making me all that I am. Without you, I would be nothing. You gave me life and character. Without you, I would just be a thought, a figment of someone's imagination. For that, I will always be grateful.

You have given me beauty. I did not always feel beautiful, but once Gil let it slip that he became interested in beauty once he met me, I never doubted it again.

You have given me strength and courage to face all the challenges in my life. From an abusive childhood to dealing with horrendous crimes, that strength and courage has helped me make it through each and every day. It has helped me speak for those who cannot speak for themselves – the dead, the abused, the children – for all victims.

You have given me tenacity and determination to persevere even in the face of my toughest challenges. It is what gave me the drive to stand up for Kaye Shelton when the bugs failed her and everyone, including Gil, had given up. That tenacity and determination kept me fighting for my life as I lay trapped beneath that Mustang and trekked across the open desert even though it would have been easier to give up.

You have given me confidence and conviction to stand up for my beliefs. That confidence and conviction made me fight for Svetlana Melton even though it almost cost me my career and forced me to face my past.

You have given me compassion and empathy for victims. That compassion and empathy is what kept me fighting for Pamela Adler when she was raped and shot but was too tough to die. Gil has always told me that I get too close to the victims and that I need to be more objective, but it is that compassion and empathy that gave me such passion for my job.

You have given me hope. Hope that what I am doing does make a difference. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope is what kept me in Vegas all those years even when Gil pushed me away over and over again.

Thank you for all you have given me. Those qualities are what define me and make me the person that I am.

But what I am most thankful for is the friendship and love that I have found.

Thank you for all my wonderful friends. For Catherine. Even though we did not always get along, we were bound by the ties of sisterhood. She understood me in ways that only another woman could. For Nick. He was always there for me. He stood beside me during the bad times and helped me celebrate the good times. For Warrick. His quiet strength was always there for me when I just needed someone to lean on. For Greg. He always made life brighter just by being himself. He has been my biggest supporter all these years. For Jim. He always watched out for me. I never could fool him even when I was fooling myself. He knew I was headed for trouble when I started drinking, even though I was in denial. He's been more of a father to me than my own father ever was. For Doc Robbins. His gentle advice and unspoken understanding was always a comfort. For David. His sense of humor and outlook on life always gave me a fresh perspective on things. For the lab techs – yes, even Hodges. They completed a circle of caring friends and created a network of support that has been a great source of comfort over the years. And lastly, for Gil. He is truly my best friend. He accepts me for who I am and understands me in ways that no one else ever could.

Thank you for letting me find love. The love of good friends is something I had never experienced before. It warms my soul. They are my family and they always will be until the end of time. They truly care about me just as I care about them. I never knew what it meant to be part of a loving family until I met them.

But most of all, thank you for Gilbert. He is my one and only true love. He is my heart, my soul, my very breath. From the moment our eyes met nine years ago, I knew that I had found the one person that I could not live without. I first laughed when he told me that he thought we had been intimate for nine years. But I understand why he said that. At that moment when our eyes met all those years ago, I knew his soul intimately. I didn't know him as a person…his likes…his dislikes..his beliefs…his wants…his desires... But I knew his soul. And he knew mine. Looking in his eyes was like coming home. I knew then that I would never be complete without him in my life. We had a bond that could not be broken by time or distance. I knew that and so I bided my time until he was ready to let me into his life. It took years and many ups and downs until I was finally able to break through all his fears and insecurities but I knew that it was meant to be. At long last we are together and very much in love. He has become the center of my universe. He is my lover, my friend, my everything.

So, Jorja, when I first heard you were leaving, I was bitter. I finally had everything and now it was all disappearing right before my eyes. I was angry and resentful. I cried and ranted and raved. How could you do this to me, to us? How could you just turn your back on everything we had built up? I would have done anything if you would have only stayed even if only for a little bit longer. I felt betrayed. For without you, I cannot exist. Without you, there is no me. I was not ready to say goodbye! But slowly, I'm coming to understand why you need to do this. Just as I am questioning my life and my future, you too are questioning your life's direction.

I no longer know if have the strength and courage, the tenacity and determination, the confidence and conviction, the compassion and empathy, or even the hope to continue. My entire life has been defined by violence and death. As a young child, I saw and experienced almost daily the horrors of domestic abuse. I still bear the scars – physical and emotional – to this day. My father's death marked the end of my childhood and the end of any normalcy in my life, even though at the time I didn't realize that my life wasn't normal. I ended up in foster care where I never knew who to trust or even how long I would remain in one household. I quickly learned that I had to take care of myself because I couldn't count on anyone else. College was perhaps the most normal time of my life, but even then, I could not let go of violence and death. I was already looking at ways to work my degree into some type of law enforcement career. After college, I chose to let violence and death once again rule my life when I became a CSI in San Francisco. Even my coming to Vegas was the result of violence and death – the shooting and death of Holly Gribbs. I never knew her, had never even met her, yet her shooting was the reason Gil asked me to come to Vegas and her death was the reason he asked me to stay. Each and every day as I've had to deal with the horrors of my job, I've always been reminded of my violent childhood. The domestic abuse cases were the worst. They drove me over the edge time and again until I finally lost it and told my supervisors off. That resulted in Gil forcing me to talk about my past. Revealing so much of myself was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I was sure he would never look at me the same again. I was sure then that he would never want me to be a part of his life. Our relationship did change that day but thankfully in a positive way. Yet the roots of that change were in violence – the violence of my past and the violence of the domestic abuse case I had been working on at the time. Our relationship changed yet again when my life was threatened at the mental hospital. It made us both realize that we did not want to be without each other. But we did not take that final step until once again we were confronted with violence, this time in the form of Nick's kidnapping. We then knew that we could not waste the precious time we had together but even that realization had its origins in violence and the fear of death.

Nearly every single day of my life has been consumed by violence and death. And even on those days when I don't have direct contact with it, the memories are still with me. I have seen the death of family and friends and I have seen how they have suffered at the hands of deranged lunatics. I have also been personally affected by violence. My own life has been threatened several times. First, at the hands of abusive parents and then in my job. I never know when I when I walk into work if on that day I'm going to run into another Adam Trent or another Natalie Davis. Every day I meet people on the worst day of their lives. Every day I fight. And yet every day, the crime rate goes up. I am growing weary. I don't think I'm making a difference anymore. And if I can't make a difference, then what am I doing putting myself through this every day? Why am I living in the dark then? Gil once told me that being confused is a good place for a scientist to be. That probably is true for a scientist. But I am more than a scientist. I am a woman, a person, a human being. I can't live the rest of my life in doubt and confusion. I think I need a little daylight in my life now. I think it's time to live for life, not death. And so I must leave as well so that I can put the past behind me and move on with my life.

I know I am going to hurt my friends when I leave. I don't think anyone understands what I have been going through especially since my kidnapping. Nick probably understands the best but even he didn't come to this job with all the emotional baggage that I did.

I know I will hurt Gil most of all. I hate so much that I have to hurt him. He finally took a chance on me and now I'm leaving him. I know it will be hard for him to understand. I just hope he eventually realizes that it's not him I'm leaving but the violence and death that is also a part of his life every day. To remain around him at this time would mean that I would still be surrounded by death and violence. He can no more separate his work from his life than I could. We are both driven to fight for justice and truth. So to stay with him at this time would mean that I'm still exposed to that world. And I could never ask him to leave. So part we must, at least for a little while. I only hope that he will come to understand why I need to do this and that he will eventually forgive me.

So, just as I need to step back and take a long, hard look at my life and gain some new perspective, I understand that you probably need to do the same. I understand that you need to be yourself for a while. We have been together for seven long years – through your good times and bad and through my good times and bad. Sometimes, we forget where one of us ends and the other begins. You need to find yourself again. To experience new things and get a fresh perspective on your life as well. To allow yourself to explore all that life has to offer and maybe find a new meaning or even a new purpose in life.

I don't know if you are considering coming back at some point. If you should decide not to return, then I hope you have found what you are looking for. But if you do want to return – and I sincerely hope with all my heart that you will want to – know that you will always have a place back here with me. Know that you will be welcomed back with open arms, open minds and open hearts.

I truly only want the best for you. I only want you to be happy and satisfied and to find fulfillment in whatever you do. So as we part, know that you have my best wishes and that my thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Goodbye and good luck!

Love always, Sara

* * *

Disclaimer: Sorry, they're not mine. If they were, I'd kidnap Sara and never let her leave. 

A/N: In a few short hours, we will be saying goodbye to Sara and Jorja. It's a very sad time for all of us Sara fans. There was something very special about Sara. She was a character that I could really relate to. There was so much of her that reminded me of myself. So this is my tribute to Jorja. A thank you for developing Sara into such a wonderful character.

So last week, after seeing the promo for Goodbye and Good Luck, I couldn't help but wonder what Sara would say if she could 'talk' to Jorja. This 'letter' reflects a lot of the emotions, especially towards the end, that I felt when I found out that Jorja was probably going to be let go (either killed off or otherwise written out of the show) and then eventually when it was revealed that it was her decision to leave. I am so sorry to see Jorja go. But as I sit at a crossroads in my life, I can understand Jorja's reasons for choosing to move on. You get to a point in life where you know you either need to take that leap of faith or you just need to learn to be satisified with what you have which can be a pretty bleak prospect. It's even harder when everyone thinks you have the world by the tail and they just don't get that you don't feel fulfilled and that something is missing in your life. I might just be projecting my feelings onto Jorja's reasons for leaving but regardless, it has made me think more and more about taking that leap of faith myself.

So, Jorja, wherever your are, whatever you are doing ... Goodbye and Good Luck!


End file.
